The reasons why I have been silent!.

My joy at the impending conclusion of the year 2009 is overwhelming and exciting ,more so than any other year because of the traumatic events of the death of my dog Jack and my increasing heath scares.

Only last month my health deteriorated to where I was planning my funeral and imagining how my mother would cope without me!?, somehow I had lost control of my emotional state and had ventured down the dark path of depression where even the slightest situation seems catastrophic! .

Initially I had been drinking very heavily during the period when my dog had passed away but I realised that at some point had to stop  or otherwise I would become someone other than what I wanted to be.

So I stopped drinking and abstained for 3 months but then started again purely through boredom but instantly my health went down rapidly and I began to imagine I had stomach cancer (my father died from cancer)because of the strange and odd pains in my stomach .

I couldn’t eat any food and I was so tense that my limbs were sore ,this went on for a couple of weeks until the feelings were so intense that I made an appointment to see my doctor who diagnosed that I had excessive stomach acid which had irritated the stomach lining and became inflamed .

so the doctor prescribed some medication which slowly healed my problem and I am at a point where I need to be careful what I eat and drink and eradicate stress completely!.

I am now changing my lifestyle and living at much more relaxed pace!.

I wanted to explain why I hadn’t posted anything in the last couple of months but now I am back on track and recharging to full bitch status and I will be posting on my blog more regularly!!.

spinning out of control……

I am feeling that my life is out of control recently because I have no direction or goals which to drive me!, I am drinking way too much alcohol for my own good and if I continue down this road my health and sanity will be questioned.

Nothing seems to give me much joy for any length of time, i’m not saying I am depressed because I know im not,maybe the word jaded would be more appropriate, I have been single for too long a time and don’t ask me how long because its THAT long ago I have forgotten.

Taking a risk and letting someone else share your life is scary and i’m very independent and cautious regarding close contact physically and emotionally but its becoming a problem and raises issues that need to be dealt with sooner than later.

I just needed to write about my feelings and try to visualise a way to recharge my life and maybe stabilise my stormy life which can not continue the way it is going!!!!

SONG BY KLEERUP  ”UNTIL WE BLEED” SETS THE MOOD APPROPRIATELY

My to do list!.

After three days of shopping before Christmas and all day cooking on Christmas day ,boxing day was spent relaxing and having some personal time!. Today I am going to decide which areas of my life need changing and if any areas could be built upon, (Formally known as New Years resolutions).

I need to upgrade my exercise routine, I generally do some at least half an hour for three days a week, but maybe I need to focus on specific areas of my body?. Also I need to cut down or stop drinking and then look at my eating plan and alter my diet, hopefully this will knock a few years off my skin and “bring healthy back!!”.

My other resolution will have to be to devour as many men as possible, I have an intense addiction to the male species and literally get an tense erection just thinking about them!. This I find strange considering that in my youth I had a fairly restricted sex life!, now that I am older I have tastes that are borderline animalistic, and I have constant fantasies about group sex!

Time will tell if I check off any of these “to do tasks!”